The impact of stress and burnout on men in American culture is unique and complicated, with men losing the ability to create intimacy in personal and business relationships. In our culture, men have been raised to believe that they should be able to handle everything life throws at them without any help—they should just “Man Up!” Their socialization tells them that burnout is not an option–not if you’re a real man. It’s simply too shameful for a man to be burned out.
In his new book, Expansive Intimacy: How “Tough Guys” Defeat Burnout, executive coach and speaker, Jim Young takes a bold and deep look at the forces that have locked men into unhealthy patterns. Through a blend of research and stories, including many of his own, Jim vulnerably and scientifically normalizes the challenges men face in modern society. He offers a previously unexplored roadmap that leads men into the fulfilling lives that society’s default rules for men have failed to deliver.
This book may tend to resonate most with men, since their experiences are more closely aligned with Jim’s. Nonetheless, Jim believes that people of all genders will find his book useful. For readers with different life circumstances, Jim intends for the lessons contained in these pages to be as inclusive as possible. In particular, Jim focuses on helping people who run a business eradicate burnout. Not only can he empathize with the pressures of that job, but he also understands the power leaders have to create positive impact at the systemic level. And ultimately, he knows that you can't grow and sustain a thriving business when burnout is present.
“Modern work culture has evolved to a point where burnout and shame are expected outcomes. We need strong leaders to make bold stands to show others that their humanity matters most.”
You will not find prescriptions in the book, because there is no “one size fits all” solution for the complex dilemma of burnout. But if you’re ready to create lasting, positive change in your life, Jim has offered a way forward. It’s called Expansive Intimacy.
I had a chance to interview Jim to learn more.
Why is it important to have a discussion around intimacy and masculinity?
Deep down men, like all humans, crave intimate connections with other people. For many, this may seem obvious. We are social creatures who are at our best when we are connected with and supported by others. Study after study shows this to be true, including the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which identified intimacy as the #1 practice that predicts long, healthy, and happy lives.
Despite all of the evidence, both measured and felt, of intimacy's benefits, our culture defines a strong set of unspoken rules for men that don't include intimacy. The essence of those "rules of manhood" are to be strong, successful, and independent. To measure up as a man, one should not reveal their emotions or show signs of perceived weakness. Mantras like "suck it up," "boys don't cry," and "tough it out" sum up and reinforce these rules for men.
Human nature tells us we need intimacy to thrive. Cultural norms for masculinity tell us to shun it. In between those two truths, lies a great deal of suffering.
Why do many men sometimes fear being close to or intimate with others?
When a man considers being close or intimate with others, he immediately challenges the cultural rules of manhood. Doing so puts him at risk of being called out as "weak," "soft," or worse. To have any of those labels pasted onto oneself is a clear invitation into something even worse for men: shame. As much as intimacy has a magnetic pull for all people, shame is its polarity. The desire to avoid shame, in the form of being ridiculed by one's peers, is frequently stronger for men than their innate desire for intimacy.
On a more practical level, even when a man decides he wants to create closer, deeper connections in his life, he might hold back because he feels unprepared. Our cultural conditioning starts early. For boys, this means that revealing their emotional realities starts to feel risky in early childhood. During the years in which we develop critical life skills--things like curiosity, empathy, emotional self-awareness, and how to build interpersonal relationships--boys are routinely told that those skills aren't valued. So when we one day decide that we might want to break out of cultural strictures and try to connect with others more meaningfully, we may simply not know how.
How does intimacy benefit relationships in the workplace and at home?
If we do eventually find our way into taking the risks of developing "expansive intimacy"--intimate connections in every realm of our lives--we realize some profound benefits. We experience less stress in the workplace because we can be honest with others about our limits, we have people to go to when we need help, and we've fostered a culture in which people support one another. There are tremendous benefits outside the home, too. Being able to share our truest feelings about life, and be witness to those of others', allows us to thrive as parents, partners, friends, family members, and in our communities. We no longer have to hide behind how we "should be." Instead, we become free to be our full, authentic selves.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Jim Young is an executive coach who works with leaders to root out the burnout in their lives and their businesses. His personal mission is to help men--and organizations--defeat burnout. Whether coaching a corporate leader, guiding a team through deep discovery, or giving a talk to a large audience, Jim activates audiences and creates powerful learning environments via a potent blend of grounded expert research, his experience as a corporate executive, and his background as an improv comedian.
After graduating from the UMass Isenberg School of Management, Jim embarked on a 25-year career in the ranks of corporate leadership. After enduring an extended period of burnout, Jim took the leap and started the business of his dreams in 2018. Through extensive training--via the Coaches Training Institute and the Daniel Goleman Emotional Intelligence program, among others--he has built a thriving practice working with individuals, teams, and organizations to help them create better relationships and organizational cultures.
You can learn more about Jim at www.thecenteredcoach.com.
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